Too Young to Die: When Your Worst Fear Becomes Reality

DISCLAIMER: I'M ALWAYS THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD BE TAKING ADVICE FROM.

{excuse for why I haven't updated below this post}

In my first poetry compilation, which is god-awful–I won't even waste your time–I published a piece unoriginally titled "Fear" that went like this:

"I was wholly unaware of what fear was until I fell in love with you. / Not fear of you / but fear of losing you/ A car accident / A house fire / A brain aneurysm / I am terrified by the unpredictability of life, and petrified with the prospect of farewell."

Despite consistently cringing when referencing my previously published works, I'd be negligent if I didn't point out that there's a certain rawness to them. I wasn't beating around the bush. I wasn't trying to disguise their meaning, or make anyone think too long about it.

I was just pouring my heart out for the sake of it because that's what I wanted to do.

My worst fear was sudden loss, and within a four month span, my favorite dog, person, and aunt died without notice.

The vet told my family that Macy would be fine after surgery. She wasn't. Twelve hours before my favorite person died, I ended our friendship out of anger. I learned my aunt passed while mindlessly scrolling through Facebook.

I won't disservice you by assuming why you're reading this post. Maybe you've recently faced your biggest fear, or you're my grandmother that always reads everything I write. Hats off if you're here because my $5 ad budget on Facebook.

I’ve already put a disclaimer at the top. This isn’t a post where I give you step-by-step directions on how to move on. I’m telling a story, and if it resonates with you, thank you for reading.

If it doesn’t, I’m sorry?

I’ll get to the point now...

What happens when your worst fear becomes reality?

No surprise here, but the world keeps turning.

Some jackass in the Dunkin' Donuts’ line gives you the bird because he's late to work. Your best friend gets engaged. Your big sister calls you a bitch because you borrowed her shirt, and never gave it back. Your favorite artist announces a new album.

The world keeps turning without pause, or hesitation.

And somehow, you don't.

Not to be that person, but throughout this entire journey, my mind kept replaying what Damon Salvatore said to Caroline after her mother's death in The Vampire Diaries, "Today isn't the worst day of your life. Today and tomorrow, it's a cakewalk, and there will be people around you day in and day out like they're afraid to leave you alone. The worst day? That's next week when there's nothing but quiet. Just a heads-up."

[Check out more heartbreaking quotes from The Vampire Diaries on Buzzfeed]

This quote doesn't just apply to death, although that's the story I'm telling today. It applies to that rejection letter from your top pick college, or the job you didn't get that would have solved all your problems. It's the breakup via text you didn't see coming, or that screenshot that made your heart drop.

It's the worst thing that could've happened to you.

And the people around you will move on because it didn't happen to them.

What did I do?

Honestly, this probably won't be helpful, but you made it this far, didn't you?

I woke up out of a dead sleep one afternoon with the urge to watch Star Wars because I accidentally saw the throne room scene in The Last Jedi a year prior and couldn’t get It out of my head.

Months prior, I said I would never be a Star Wars nerd and then I joined the dark side. Even read the novelizations for the most recent trilogy. I've got an Ahsoka Tano keychain. I write Star Wars fan fiction. There's absolutely no going back.

I forced myself to be okay because I thought that's what I was supposed to be. I couldn't afford to break down because I'd already postponed my college graduation twice, and I was going to be someone. All the bright and golden things were on the horizon for me, and I was certain that if I just moved forward, I would be okay.

It wouldn't hurt so much when I reached my idealistic version of success.

So, I didn't pause, or hesitate either.

This might be a surprise: grief doesn't follow any rules, and you can't run from it.

The longer I avoided processing my situation, the worse it got. There were many shower breakdowns soundtracked by The Fray, and moments where I lost my temper because the hits would not stop coming. I wanted to give up more than once.

Thought about running away from it all more than once, too.

Being rejected from every "dream" job I applied to and grad school turned out to be a blessing. I wasn't ready for either of those things. I needed to heal first. I needed to learn how to make peace with it, and who I am now that I've gone through those experiences.

Because that's the reality: when your worst fear becomes reality, you change.

I faced my biggest fear, and I survived because that's the only option I had. It's the only option you have, really. I'm not the same person that I used to be, and when the time comes, you won't be either.

I can't tell you how to find peace because I'm still a work-in-progress.

There are still days when the weather sucks, and I can't sleep, that I want to reach out to the people that I've lost and just talk. I want to ask their opinions on things that I never thought to ask before. I want to sleep on the couch with my dog for three hours and forget everything.

Simuntanously, I found the perspective to enjoy the great things in life.

I booked a trip to London and Paris. I started (okay, that's a work in progress, too) learning French again. I picked up new skills like creating stickers, and making bath products. I read some of the best stories I'll ever read. I started this blog, and in August, I'll have launched my podcast.

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{excuses}

I've been avoiding katherinelindfors.life for a few weeks now. Naturally, I've got about a thousand excuses why, but it all comes down to a lack of motivation. Because blogs are so popular, people often forget how much work goes into content creation. It's certainly a challenge, especially on top of a full time job.

Running a successful blog is a dream, though, so I'm going to keep writing even if I can't get my own mom to read my posts.

Starting something new is always a challenge. It takes a certain willpower that I'm actively fostering. There's highs, and there's lows–blah, blah, blah.